Julie Cohen

After the pressure and stress of getting money for college, Eloise Ayotte snaps, burning a 1 billion dollar bill.

Money is the root of all my stress … and this review

Lana Del Rey said it best in her song “National Anthem” when she said, “Money is the reason we exist. Everybody knows it, it’s a fact.” As a second-semester high school senior, I can honestly say that I agree with the idea that money is the current reason for my existence and the reason for my existential woe. 

Up until this point in my life, I had never really thought about the weight that money held. 

It’s not that I was an idiot about money – I started working a part-time job at 16 and have held that job for the last two and a half years. With my job, I was able to save enough money to fund a month-long volunteer excursion to Zimbabwe. But I didn’t have to get a job to help put food on the table or to buy my own clothes. My family has provided that for me, along with every other thing I’ve needed. Up until now. 

For my college education, I’m on my way – a decision my parents made with which I completely agree – yet, it’s also been an eye-opening experience to truly have to worry about money for the first time.  

Now that money does concern me; my entire focus has been on applying to college and getting as much scholarship money as possible. I want to ensure that the next four years set me up for great success or, at the very least, help me avoid crippling student debt. I’m done with admission applications, but the scholarship applications only seem to multiply. Day in and day out, I spend my free-time writing essays, refining my resume, and even making videos displaying “my unique personality and talents” in hopes of all this effort coming back to me in the form of hundreds of thousands of dollars. 

Now I know I don’t technically have to do all of this. Scholarships are optional, and I could just be done since I already got into my schools. I could just forget the scholarships altogether and take out student loans. But of course, those need to be paid back, and the average cost of attendance for the schools I applied to sits at around $65,000 per year. I don’t want future Eloise to have to deal with that amount of financial strain. So when you break it down, optional scholarships don’t really seem all that optional.

The stress and pressure I’ve been taking on have been overwhelming. And, on account of my college savings budget, retail therapy is no longer an option. So, I’ve decided to do what any right-minded upset citizen would; write a review about “bread” before this stress makes me drop dead, in other words, “the benjamins” before the stress sends me to the looney bins. 

Money makes the world go around and make for a great review subject. (Image via NBC News)

Welcome to my customer service review of money.

Eloise, please respond to the following statements on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being absolutely agree and 1 being completely disagree, and leave comments so we can improve for future customers.

I feel that life costs an arm and a leg.

10- Lately, I absolutely agree with this statement. With recent inflation and my upcoming college transition, life is literally breaking the bank. I’ve been working the same job for three years now, and I am still unable to afford even a semester of college. If maybe life or school could be just a bit more affordable, that’d be great.

In colloquial terms, I think “cash is king.” 

2- I do disagree with this statement but not entirely. I think money is crucial to the functioning of our American society; however, I do not believe that money should be the lifeblood of our society. Sure, we need money to promote jobs, purchase goods, and pursue higher education, but we don’t need corruption, a greedy one percent, or deep-seated poverty.

I believe that “money can’t buy happiness.”

5- I am a bit conflicted about this one. I have certainly found much joy in life, and a lot of that joy has come for free. Walking my dogs, chatting with my friends, and even going to bed each night are amazing serotonin boosts that ring in at zero dollars. On the other hand, though, some of my greatest life experiences have cost some dough. My trip to Africa last year, my dogs, and even eating delicious food are all great joys that come at a bit of a cost. So, I agree that money can’t buy happiness, but sometimes it definitely helps to get you there.

I wish money grew on trees.

10- Duh. My stress would be nonexistent if I had a money-growing tree. Fun fact: I actually have a “money tree,” but unfortunately, all it grows is leaves. I just keep hoping my tree’s leaves will soon transform into some cash, as the name implies. Sure, I think money trees would lend themselves to the corrupt and greedy, but I’d like to hope that if money trees were real, they’d be indigenous to the lawns of those in need. 

I believe that “money is the root of all evil.”

8- I feel like I’ve made it very clear that I do not appreciate the stress, corruption, and pressure that money brings. I think those consequences of money are evil, but I don’t 100% believe that money itself is the root of that evil. When people fall on the far ends of the finance spectrum, money shows its fearful teeth. However, I think that people decide how to live their lives and how to let things affect them. So, money can’t be all to blame since people are in charge of their own fates, but it does lend itself to problems.

All in all, I appreciate the opportunities money gives me. I like how it allows me to purchase interesting things, and I like how it keeps me on track to succeed in life. However, I hate the pressure it sets, the corruption it causes, and the pain it can bring. So, at the end of the day, I’d give money a solid 5/10. Not my favorite thing ever, but definitely not my least favorite either.

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