Brentwood, we need to have a talk. Come here. Have a seat. I know what you’ve been saying behind my back. Don’t think I haven’t heard your theories on who I am. Your terrible, terrible theories on who I am. Seriously, some of you are so far off I kind of can’t believe it. Do you think this is how the Zodiac Killer felt when people tried to figure out his identity? Not to equate myself to the Zodiac Killer, of course. I assure you I’m at least decently sound in the head. Plus, I lack the drive to come up with my own secret coding. A cool gimmick, yes, but good golly; I KNOW that took him forever to come up with.

I suppose I fall more into the Gossip Girl severity of things. But who am I really? That’s a secret I’ll never tell, xoxo.

Let’s answer our first question, shall we?

Dear Anonymous,

I feel mean saying this, but my friend group is full of squares. Sometimes it seems all they want to talk about is college and grades and whatnot. It’s at a point where I can hardly have fun with them because they’re so stressed out about the future all the time. Should I say something to them?

–Morticia

Morticia, it sounds like you’re dealing with a classic case of a bummer friend group. Sounds a bit harsh now that I’m typing it out loud, but I know exactly what you mean. Let me guess, they respond to all your problems by saying, “this would make a great college essay,” instead of giving actual advice?

Lucky for you, advice is my middle name! It can be difficult to surround yourself with people who seem so uptight and stressed all of the time. School is super important, no doubt. But dealing with people who talk about it nonstop can get so draining, especially if you don’t have the next five years of your life planned to a tee. I have a couple of options on what you can do here:

Option 1.) If you’re non-confrontational, simply try to change the subject whenever they begin to talk about college. Don’t wanna hear them boast about their perfect ACT scores? Who says you have to? You can try to be subtle about switching topics, or you can be blunt if you’re REALLY not trying to have a piece of the ivy-league pie.

Speaking of being blunt, this brings me to Option 2.) Tell them straight up to talk about something else. You don’t have to be mean about it (unless you’re into that kind of thing), but there’s nothing wrong with saying upfront that you want to switch the subject. As fun as discussing the many ways to appease the great College Board in the sky sounds, I totally understand getting sick of the constant school talk.

Best of luck to you and your geometric friends.

Dear Anonymous,

I’m in love with someone, but they’re already dating someone else. Help!

–Gomez

Thank you for your short and straight-to-the-point question, Gomez. Luckily for you, I have a short and straight-to-the-point answer: DON’T DO ANYTHING! Yes, perhaps I sound like a bummer (not unlike Morticia’s friend group,) but this is one of those rare scenarios when there is really nothing you can do.

Sitting around yearning for the demise of their current relationship will get you nowhere. The best thing you can do for yourself is to let it go. Easier said than done, I know. But longing for something you simply can’t have is just a waste of energy. For now, focus on yourself. If/when your crush and their SO split up, I’ll be here waiting.

Thank you to those who have submitted entries so far. If you have a burning question, email me at [email protected] for your chance to have your entry featured in The Nest. Remember, I’m not the only anonymous one in this situation; all participants are to remain under a pseudonym, so don’t be afraid to reach out. I’ll see you curious kiddos on the flip side!

Also, check out the new “Ask Anonymous” column on The Nest homepage! It’s just below the “Sports” section.