Ask Anonymous: Jokesters, jellyfish, and Jell-O


Welcome to “Ask Anonymous,” where you ask me questions, and I answer.

I have a bone to pick with you, Brentwood. I’ve had this column for a couple of months now, believe it or not. And I truly love it with all my heart. It makes me feel more connected to you all, as well as gives me the inside scoop. But let me remind you, Brentwood, this is an advice column. You got that? Advice. As in a place to ask for help. Not a stand-up comedy outlet and certainly not a place to submit your SNL auditions. Some of you guys think you’re real funny. Now, that’s not to say that some of you aren’t; I get a kick out of SOME of the silly submissions I receive. The majority of you, however? It might be time you guys go back to clown school because I am not laughing. It may be hard to believe, but I am not Lorne Michaels. I cannot give you a career in comedy. With all this said, I will most definitely still respond to any submissions sent, even the “funny” ones. But please, oh please, do not feel afraid to ask for genuine advice. I can only take so much smart-alecery before it gets old. Now, let’s put on our clown noses, hop into our clown car, and drive into the first question:

Dear Anonymous,

My friend and I have been butting heads more and more recently, and today they finally crossed a line. I’ve known them forever, and they are extremely important to me, but lately, they’ve made statements that I just can’t get behind. I know that the things they’re saying are offending and hurting people’s feelings besides my own, but I just can’t imagine what my life would be without their friendship. I think I need to stop being friends with them, but I’m unsure if I can. I’ve lived my whole life up to this point with the firm belief that cake is far better than pie, but my friend won’t stop harassing me with the frivolous, foolish notion that somehow pie is superior (I feel gross just typing that). Please send advice on how to right this horrid wrong!

  • Louise

Louise, your friend sounds like they have excellent opinions. Sorry to break it to you, but it’s you in this situation who is horridly wrong. Cake is for birthdays and birthdays only. I have not once in my life craved cake unless it was right in front of me. It’s too formal and too childish all at once. Pie, however? Pie practically makes the world go round. Pie is a dessert that I’d clear my entire Sunday to bake. Whether cherry, apple, or blueberry, pie is perfect and can do no wrong. (Unless it’s pumpkin pie; that’s a different story.) When I think of pie, I think of all things nostalgic and warm. When I think of cake, I just get upset. I hope you get better soon, and I hope your friend is having a wonderful day. <3

Dear Anonymous,


  • Tina

This is not a dating hotline. Please redirect to 248-434-5508. Thanks!


You did not enjoy my latest animal very much, which, although I find a great offense to me, I respect nonetheless. Here is another animal that I think you might find more to your liking. What do you think of the fried egg jellyfish?

  • Scoob
The mystical fried egg jellyfish.

Scoob! My number one fan! Thank you once again for the animal. And this time, I really mean it. Now, I’m no fan of fried eggs, if I’m being quite honest. If I think about eggs for more than five seconds, I feel quite revolted, actually. Jellyfish, however? I feel the opposite of revolted thinking of jellyfish. Unrevolted? Pleasant? Whatever. The point is the good certainly outweighs the bad in this situation, and I quite enjoy what I am looking at. This creature looks very pokeable. Like, I am 99% certain that if I were to poke this thing, it would react EXACTLY like Jell-O. A hilarious thought, indeed. Well done!


Thank you to those who have submitted entries so far. If you have a burning question, email me at [email protected] for your chance to have your entry featured in The Nest. Remember, I’m not the only anonymous one in this situation; all participants are to remain under a pseudonym, so don’t be afraid to reach out. I’ll see you curious kiddos on the flip side!