Ask Anonymous: Slumps, crabs, and exes


Welcome to “Ask Anonymous,” where you ask me questions, and I answer.

Brentwood, it’s officially Slump Season™. The trees? Dead. The school work? Piling. The weather? Actually not too terrible, surprisingly. I, like every other simpleton, can appreciate 50-degree weather mid-winter. Although it brings a small sense of comfort, I can’t shake the feeling that global warming has something to do with it….

Why do I bring all this up, you may ask? Well, with this dreary time at hand, I KNOW you guys have questions and concerns to send my way. Gloomy times often come with gloomy events, and I want you guys to know that I am always here for you. I by no means am a therapist. I cannot emphasize enough how much you do NOT want me to give you professional advice for serious problems. I would accidentally ruin your guys’ lives so quickly it would almost be humorous. But if you have some mild-to-moderate drama, questions, and problems you want to get off your chest, email me by all means. I’ll be here, incessantly refreshing my email inbox. Let’s move on to our first question:

Muséum national d’histoire naturelle, via Wikimedia Commons

Hey Anonymous,

I’m back at it again with another crazy animal review. What are your thoughts on the Yeti Crab?


Scoob! My dear friend! How’ve you been, buddy? Are the rest of the Mystery Gang doing well? Thank you once again for giving me an animal to review. This crab is a very silly creature indeed. It looks like a feather boa. If you told me you stole this from Harry Styles’ closet, I’d believe you. A rather flamboyant crustation, if I do say so myself. Scoob, you’ve outdone yourself by sending this one in. Well done!


Dear Anonymous,

If my ex, that I dumped one year ago, liked my Instagram post from three years ago (two weeks before we started dating), what should I do?


Now, THIS is a juicy one. Jamba certified, if you will. I have two (count ‘em, two) options for you here. If you have zero interest in your ex’s being, I see nothing wrong with taking the high ground and just assuming they’re still distraught over your leaving, which, depending on who you are, may serve as an ego boost. But alas, you may be a cat that will fall victim to curiosity. In that case, go ahead and reach out. You can simply ask if they liked the post on accident, or you can make like a witch and REALLY stir the pot if that seems more appealing. To be totally honest here, no matter what you do, this is probably going to be a rather embarrassing conversation on your ex’s part, and I can’t promise that any conclusions will be 100% drawn. Even if they liked it on purpose, they could easily lie about doing so. So unfortunately, your situation and outcome are a little up in the air, which I do apologize for. But hey, at least you weren’t caught potentially stalking your ex’s Insta.

Dear Anonymous,

Who are you?

– Scrappy

The answer is simple, Scrappy; I’m a figment of your imagination. Scrappy, don’t you remember? This isn’t real. None of this is real. Everything you see around you, it’s all fake. I don’t exist; nothing really exists. Do you not remember? Scrappy, wake up. I’m serious. Scrappy, none of it’s real! You’re dreaming! Scrappy, I’m not playing games; wake up right now! SCRAPPY! WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP!! IT’S NOT REAL; IT’S NOT REAL WAKE UP! Hope this helps! <3

Thank you to those who have submitted entries so far. If you have a burning question, email me at [email protected] for your chance to have your entry featured in The Nest. Remember, I’m not the only anonymous one in this situation; all participants are to remain under a pseudonym, so don’t be afraid to reach out. I’ll see you curious kiddos on the flip side!